Internal Affairs §115596429870906353
Congratulations to Director of Treasury, Chuck Norlander, and bride Wendolyne Pillsbury, on their wedding this weekend. Both are looking forward to raising a large family in their new home in Martha's Vineyard.
Sunday, October 22, 2006
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Proposal §115595429533256566
Congressman Thumper Ponybottom would like to find these three women and offer them a seat in the House of Representatives.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
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Proposal §115595424945942405
Bermuda Hautenpanz, Institute of Belch Therapy Research, proposes to better protect our children from communicable diseases by replacing traditional hygienic methodology with airtight biohazard resistant full body encounter suits.
Saturday, August 19, 2006
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Proposal §115595417486574833
Butch Manpacker, Director of Girly Things, would like to put an end to extreme summer heat by placing all wind generators on a higher setting.
Friday, August 18, 2006
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Internal Affairs §114412284514479632
The party apologizes to the citizens of Dallas/Fort Worth for the actions of Mentiras Truthweaver, Office of Feigning Leadership by Accepting Responsibility for Things We Didn't Do. Mr.Truthweaver has admitted it was he who streaked before a live broadcast of the local channel WFAA. Mr. Truthweaver apologizes to all those involved and all those who witnessed. He says it must have been the cold medicine he took this morning.
Monday, April 03, 2006
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Proposal §114387545042067104
Senator Poochie Grr proposes that the government implement a national holiday, to be known as "Taquito Obedience Day", in which citizens may celebrate freedom to "grow a Tutu and eat beans."
Saturday, April 01, 2006
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Party Position §114014116506037152
In response to the ongoing international controversy over the cartoons published in Denmark and the subsequent outrage expressed in Muslim countries, The Party wishes to reassure that we promote freedom of speech AND respect for the sanctity of religion. To this end, the Party chooses to firmly say nothing.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
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Proposal §113294722941413700
Yucan Burkov, Office of Wedgie Administration, proposes to end partisan bickering over Supreme Court Nominations by replacing the Supreme Court with weekly Sumo Wrestling Tournaments.
Friday, November 25, 2005
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Internal Affairs §112989705875123074
The Party would like to apologize for the unfortunate incident witnessed at this year's fundraiser. The Party will no longer be hiring the Flying Scotsman Highwire and Trapeze Act as entertainment in future.
Thursday, November 10, 2005
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Proposal §113154031278651192
Henry D'Athe, Department of Marriage Certificates and Taxidermy, proposes the creation of Blowpec: a cartel of the world's politician producing countries with the charter to guide the production and export of parasitic politicians to regions in desperate need of non-violent government.
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
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Proposal §113133410328501878
Seamus Pikal-McDawng, Office of Objects Are Larger Than They Appear, proposes to modernize Mount Rushmore by giving to each of the statues: noserings and other piercings, tattoos, sideburns, and a cell phone sticking out each ear.
Sunday, November 06, 2005
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Proposal §113080861457461815
Boopty Fwoptles, Institute of Cat Food and Hair Loss, proposes to capture the LochNess Monster, return it to Washington D.C., and tell it to get back to work or risk losing pension and benefits.
Monday, October 31, 2005
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Proposal §112939486751010540
Scientists at the Human Genome Research Center have discovered that the average Politician shares as much as 85% of the same DNA as a mosquito. Based on this discovery, Herbert Spacklefuzzy, Office of Taxation and Money Laundering, proposes to reclassify Washington D.C. as a Nature Reserve to protect the breeding environment of the North American Parasitic Politician.
Thursday, October 20, 2005
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Report §112989632801613503
Darby Conley, Liaison for FDA Affairs, reports that clinical trials of the Up-N-Adam™ Male Enhancement Device have discovered potential flaws that are of concern to public safety. The device, which utilizes air bag technology for the purposes of male enhancement, has shown to have unfortunate deployment issues. The FDA denies approval of the device until such time as these deployment issues can be solved.
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
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International Affairs §112990140197702523
Mentiras Truthweaver, Office of Feigning Leadership by Accepting Responsibility for Things We Didn't Do, apologizes to Norway's Finance Minister, Kristin Halvorsen. He says the whole cake incident has been blown out of proportion, and he denies having knowingly, and willingly, thrown the cake at the Finance Minister. He further denies having financial ties with Martha Stewart or Tom Delay. In his official statement, Mr. Truthweaver expresses his deep desire for everyone to "just mind their own business".
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
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Proposal §112972498794236511
"Big Bob" Poinger, Director of the National Institute of Entomagraphy, proposes immediate FDA approval to allow surgical implantation of Rubber Duckies for the purposes of breast enhancement. He believes there is a strong market for breasts that squeak when squeezed.
Monday, October 17, 2005
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Proposal §112972389710607809
Maneki Neko, Office of Scoobie Snacks, proposes to prevent voting issues as was experienced in the year 2000 elections with the advent of a new voting machine based on the game Whack-a-Mole™. Citizens are to be presented pop-up candidates, which they will eliminate by process of whacking with a padded hammer. The Candidate left standing will be selected for vote. In the event that no candidates are left standing, the vote will be cast for the Candidate that remained standing for the longest period of time.
Sunday, October 16, 2005
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Internal Affairs §112947836356813143
We realize that last week's picnic was a pot luck lunch, but the party wishes to convey to the wife of Herndale Picklepicker that her "Bird Flu Stew" was in poor taste.
Saturday, October 15, 2005
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Proposal §112939459775510386
Taking inspiration from the child-proof caps on bottles of aspirin, Senator Puffinstuff proposes to prevent partisan gridlock in government by installing ego-proof doors on all government buildings that will open only by aligning the two arrows.
Friday, October 14, 2005
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Report §112935225467861669
Arnold Dent, Case Worker for the Department of Too Much Information, apologizes for being late to his congressional hearing this morning. He says he was late because his inflatable Vogon Action Doll had a puncture which needed to be repaired for an educational seminar this evening with his testectomy support group.
Thursday, October 13, 2005
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Report §112934355092157872
The Office of Creating Creepy Urban Legends for Teenagers reports the discovery that if you hold two mirrors facing each other, you unlock doorways to the underworld. Experiments, funded by the O.C.C.U.L.T., show that if you look really hard into the infinite distance in the reflections, you can momentarily see the demons and spirits before they pass into the spiritual plane around you.
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
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Congratulations §112916487390554323
The Party would like to congratulate Jim Bob Duggar and wife Michelle Duggar on the birth of their 16th child. We hope all is well with them and their children, and we wish them good luck in next years elections. By then, half the state should be theirs.
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
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Report §112916563793796328
The Advancement of Congressional Ethics Association reports the disappearance of $50 million dollars from their reserve funds. The Senator in charge of the A.C.E. Association was reached for comment while on vacation in his newly built house in the Caribbean. He describes the incident as "peculiar" and will ask for a full departmental investigation when he returns.
Monday, October 10, 2005
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Proposal §112906851571068091
Berga Bigbumblebum, Director of the Deliberate Oversight Committee, proposes downsizing both houses of congress to just 9 people. This panel of 9 people will be seated in a 3 by 3 grid. Bills will be proposed to the panelists, who will vote to approve or deny the bill. A bill that gains acceptance by any three panelists in a row, column or diagonal will be ratified and sent to the President for approval.
Sunday, October 09, 2005
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Nomination §112887632570151726
The Party nominates Gromit for Supreme Court Justice.
Saturday, October 08, 2005
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Internal Affairs §112865733553486069
We ask Senator Durand one last time to please refrain from playing with his Electric Barbarella Doll while the Senate is in session.
Friday, October 07, 2005
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Report §112697119482158654
The Committee of Classified Research into Advanced Biological Weapons reports that testing of the 'Smart' Virus has shown to have no effect when applied to elected officials or advanced management in private sectors. These studies have discovered that, upon election or assumption of authority, the egoitary gland begins producing excessive amounts of the chemical compound Butfulovhedzine. This chemical imbalance appears to retard the intended effects of the 'Smart' Virus. Further studies and funding are requested.
Thursday, October 06, 2005
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Proposal §112833770371280982
Joannabell Fogelsonger, Director of the Whoopie Cushion Protection Agency, proposes to augment funding for space exploration through expanded privitization. She is working with NASA and various private sectors to develop a WallModule™ to provide one stop shopping and dining for inhabitants of the International Space Station.
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
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Internal Affairs §112796292715632002
The Party sends get well wishes to Gibson Moyer,Bureau of Making Everything Taste Like Chicken, having recently been involved in a petting zoo accident. He is currently in critical care with an expected slow recovery. He says he is glad he got through the experience, even if by 'the skin of his ubers'. The party will be passing a get well card next Thursday.
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
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Proposal §112782213786881309
Unable to keep up with leap years, daylight savings time, tidal cycles, and seasonal changes, Walter Unibergers, Office of Girly Giggles, proposes to attach rockets to both the earth and the moon to adjust their rotation, tilt, and orbit around the sun in order to create a more sensible metric time consisting of 10 months in a year, 10 weeks in a month, 10 days in a week, 100 hours in a day, 100 minutes in an hour, and 100 seconds in a minute.
Monday, October 03, 2005
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